Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
