I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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