I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He better not be in your backpack
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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