I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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