Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
