Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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