god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize