WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my being single is dangerous.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
