No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
