he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
