turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
