I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
