Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
