i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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