My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
