if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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