She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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