Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
