He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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