It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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