we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
