I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize