She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
