I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
