the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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