I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
