so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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