Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
