I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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