If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
