We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
