I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Jerry, you need to find god
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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