I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
