i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
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