turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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