Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
