girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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