I puked a lego.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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