Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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