HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
