We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
