My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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