I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
