Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
