I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
