i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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