I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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