Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
