Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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