oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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