when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
