So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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