Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize