so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I showed him my bush... on skype.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
