What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
