Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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