Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
how drunk are you?
Several
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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