You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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