Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
