All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
